My first love.

About 8 years ago, I found my first love. Now, I didn't realize that it would be a life long relationship, but what can I say, I've been hooked ever since. From wedging the clay repeatedly, to the science of mixing my own glazes, to re-working clay and bringing old clay back to life, to test firing new colors, to working with porcelain my first time or my personal favorite, trimming and carving pieces into perfection. 

Ahhhh, it is all so wonderful. 

Yes, if you didn't catch on, I'm in love with pottery. And if I'm able to toot my own horn, I'm not half bad at it either.  I was pretty steady into it for a few years, then came the typical excuses like "I don't have time, I work too much". Then had quite a comeback about a year ago and was quite steady with my practice and work; I loved it. I would go late nights to the studio, plug in some music and just work away. It not only helps with my stress levels, but it makes me feel like myself. Covered in clay, my favorite tunes in the background, my eyes completely focused on what's spinning on the wheel in front of me. I love it. 

That's why I'm so disappointed in myself. So disappointed that I didn't make a better effort to continue my practice when I was in South Africa. I had the opportunity to be around other artists in a different country and continue to refine my skills. And unfortunately since I've been back in the States, (honest to god) my work schedule is so all over the place that it's not ideal to have time to work at the studio. 

SO.....

As I get ready to head to Amsterdam, I'm going to hold myself to a promise. I promise that no matter the circumstances, I will continue my passion of pottery in m
y next journey. I'm packing my tools, my sketchbooks and my favorite throwing apron and I'm going to share my art with a little slice of Europe! I hope to only continue to learn and grow in this art, as I can really never get enough of it.

Clay.....you've hypnotized me. Mind, body and soul. 

A few facts about being a fat woman.

Lately I've been thinking quite a bit about being a fat woman in today's society. Not just fat, but my experiences specifically as a fat woman, most recently. 

Here are a few points:

1. No matter what you wear, no matter how covered up or how revealing you dress, there will always be both positive and negative comments and feelings towards you. Truthfully, a large majority of the comments are very positive. A majority of the negativity is just in how people look at me. My answer to this? If there is always going to be negativity no matter what, then wear whatever the fuck you want. Make yourself happy.

And just another point on top of that......this also holds true in regards to what you eat. No matter how healthy or unhealthy it is. Point being?  Eat whatever the fuck you want.

2. There's no 'right' way to be fat/body-positive. If you enjoy taking silly pictures that happen to enhance a 'fat attribute' take them. If you promote/support smaller sizes more than plus sizes, cool, do what you want. Obviously the objective is to be positive and kill some of this negativity. But the wonderful thing about having a brain, is that you can be however you'd like. Be however the fuck you want to be.

Yes, surprisingly this is an actual issue in the Body Positivity community. There are some women I have encountered that consider themselves to be....well, "leaders" of this community. They have taken it upon themselves to critique women in this community on things they shouldn't say, types of pictures they shouldn't take, etc. They've made very public examples out of women just being themselves. Here's the problem with that: this is the year 2014. This community that we are allowed to voluntarily be a part of, does not come with a specific set of rules. This community does not have a set of "leaders" that are in place to tell us how to be. And making an example of someone and publicly shaming them goes against everything that this whole movement is about. It's one thing to question the meaning behind some messages, but ladies, can't we all just get along? Let's stop being so damn critical of each other for cripe sakes. Let others be how they wish to fucking be.

3. Even though I've always been fairly confident in myself and with how I look, I still have my bad days. Bad days when I feel uncomfortable with myself when I've fluctuated in weight, I tend to feel generally uncomfortable and just very unsatisfied with how I look. Bad days when I feel self conscious about my current situation and what seems like a lack of direction in my career. But you know what, it's okay to have these bad days. It's okay to contemplate major life decisions and not know what the right answer is. But eventually you figure things out, whether it's the right time or not. Moral of the story? Go for it, whatever the fuck it is. Whatever makes you happy.

I've got much of the same pros and cons as anyone else. My life as a fat woman is much like the life as any other person. Sure there's a few other twists and turns here and there that may differ, but it's much like any other life. My life isn't about hating myself because of my size, it's not about food, it's not about not being able to find love (in case you haven't noticed, I've landed the best fella), it's not about my journey to losing weight, and so on and so forth. I'm a woman, that happens to be fat, I'm not a disease that needs to be cured. It's that fucking simple. 

Self love vs. Self objectification

I have a pretty terrible long term memory, but what I do remember from my childhood, was my family's largest emphasis on how we were as people. How we treated people. How we talked to people. How we could help people, because: How we were as humans was more important than how we looked as humans.

With that in mind, I had a few thoughts rolling around in the ol' noggin......

So as I was sitting here going through my Instagram and Tumblr feed, passing by all of these photographs of women's body parts, naked bodies, women posing in such a way to make themselves look thinner, sucking in their guts, others showing the world all their glory, women in lingerie, boob shots, butt shots, selfie's and duck faces. Sigh. So many photos. So many tags like #bodypositive, #selflove, #plussize, #effyouimpretty, and the list goes on. So many picture captions of women slandering other women, men, society, 'the man' and saying they're pretty regardless of what anyone thinks. Saying that their body size doesn't define their worth. Women stating that these nude and provocative photos are their "contributions to the movements". My thoughts? So much confusion.

Yes, I'm proud of what I look like, of who I am, I'm comfortable with myself, and genuinely do love myself with everything included. And yes, I've put myself out there before, I have no issue sharing......as why would I? But I've noticed a pattern forming with a lot of these feeds that appear to be promoting "self love". What is it? A little bit of self-objectification. Look, it's okay to be vain, it's okay to brag, it's okay to do whatever you want. But to stand on a platform of self love, while promoting feminism like it's a new thing, preaching about how hard it is to be plus-size AND a woman in today's world, all while promoting and posting sexually explicit photos/videos and state in them that it's for some kind of female movement. Am I the only one that has had a "Whaaaat?" moment with these? I mean honestly. Oh, but how is this objectification? We are using our bodies as a tool to sell an idea. Honey, real love doesn't need convincing.

Because 'self love' encompasses your whole being. Not just the outside.........which, in case we weren't all aware, our body is just a shell for what lies inside. So if you're seeking approval or attention or honestly think that you're going to learn how to love yourself by how many likes you get on your IG pic, I'm so sorry, but you'll be very disappointed.

And if part of the idea is to help make our culture more integrated with the others, not such outsiders in media, and help gain fair treatment as women, then why do we absolutely need to profess the label "plus size" every time? I'm also white, American, have a passion for pottery and would consider myself a feminist. But that's not necessary to mention in every conversation as not only is some of it obvious, but it's not pertinent information needed to exist as a human being.

So here's an idea: Why not take these pictures, explicit or not, for ourselves? Of course there's nothing wrong with sharing them, but there doesn't have to be a motive or expectation behind them. We don't need to sell the idea that we're "just as beautiful", "just as sexy" as anyone else. You are the only one that needs to believe it, the only one that needs to see it. And i'll be damned if I sell the idea to my nieces, my future children, or anyone else listening, that their appearance is leverage for acceptance, love and equality. Our contributions to the world, to these movements, should be in helping others realize the same...

....That just like any other love, it isn't just a surface thang.