Take up space baby girl.

Hoi.

Been a while huh? You know when things seem to be going so slowly, time wise, like you're just in the shallow section and wading in the water? Then months later, you realize.....ENTIRE MONTHS HAVE PASSED YOU BY. You know what I've been feeling lately? Overwhelmed. Not necessarily in a stressed, knee buckling sense. But in a more existential-crisis way. I feel so constantly overwhelmed by all of these hot button issues. Being asked if I'm a feminist......or am I an intersectional feminist?? Who am I voting for in the 2016 elections? As a body pos lady, do I support those that want to lose weight? (But wait, because if you say yes......then you're told you're not really body pos) Do I support *THIS* or *THAT*?! Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. (And yes, you should most definitely be reading this to the tune of Ed Norton's voice over in Fight Club)

Literally, my feeling towards all of it comes to a big fat (no pun intended) BLAH!

I remember many moons ago, roughly 6 years ago, when I began my more modest travels into the body pos, strong female avenues.........how stinking friendly everyone seemed, how supportive everyone seemed, how flipping inclusive the community around me felt. Now? Hahaha......Oh, you're wondering what it's like NOW? Like right now? Ummmm.....riiight, so it's turned into a massive pool of mean girls. High school all flipping over again. "But why??" do you ask? Today, if you don't refer to yourself by the PC terms that surround inclusivity to literally every group they try to shove in there, then BAM. You're either *THIS* or *THAT* or "body pos lite" as some heckling broad muttered to me behind the comfort of her computer screen. Anyway you slice it, neither of those things are good.

What happened to the ease of just sharing positivity, hopefulness, love and wisdom from one person to another? No strings attached, no assumptions attached, no bloody politics attached.

I'm not going to fit into the box that they all want to shove us in, nor do I want to, so I'm just going to keep chugging along, doing my own thing, not labeling anything, because compassion for others and equality in every sense of the word requires zero pre-qualifiers. I've lost a few followers and slight acquaintances because I wouldn't wear the terms they'd like me to, but wha'eva.

I feel as though I'm meant to do a few things of importance, not just as a 'fat' girl or a 'feminist' or anything. Just as myself, forget the identifiers for a bit.

Take up space. Mentally, physically, intellectually, publicly. Take up space baby girl.

(Photo cred to @GlorifyingObesity by Rachele Cateyes, Portland, OR)

American in Amsterdam

I've finally arrived and began settling in Amsterdam.

So what's it like??

Yeah it's a bit of a transition. I no longer have my trusty car to get me anywhere I need (or just want) to go. I'm without a job at the moment, so it's a mash of helping my love on set (which I love) and trying to be creative with my down time. Since I don't have a bike yet, I either walk to catch a tram or bus everywhere. I struggle with knowing the basics of Dutch, so there's a bit of a language barrier sometimes. Oh and did I mention plus-size guys and gals aren't really a common thing here? So I may stick out a bit more than intended...

But.

I'm really kind of digging all of those things about this place.

I love walking around the city, in our nice quaint neighborhood just so close to the city center, and taking the trams and buses, seeing all of the locals, all of the unfamiliar faces. Hearing all of the different languages spoken. Seeing the mash of couples, old and young, the mothers with their children, the young hipsters, on their way to wherever they're going. I feel like it's helping me to dive deeper into some of the local culture, a different way of seeing things.

Even this last week, when we had such long days on set, and I was only on my way home late at night, well after the sun had gone down, I still took my time walking home, taking slower steps, looking around me, listening to the hustle and bustle of the streets surrounding me.

I have yet to really take some relaxing days and explore around to better know and experience this new home, but so far, I have to say I'm loving it.

I'm learning how to use a proper camera, I've been dedicated to reading more, and I'm much more thirsty for some honest outdoor exploring.

Amsterdam works for me.

My first love.

About 8 years ago, I found my first love. Now, I didn't realize that it would be a life long relationship, but what can I say, I've been hooked ever since. From wedging the clay repeatedly, to the science of mixing my own glazes, to re-working clay and bringing old clay back to life, to test firing new colors, to working with porcelain my first time or my personal favorite, trimming and carving pieces into perfection. 

Ahhhh, it is all so wonderful. 

Yes, if you didn't catch on, I'm in love with pottery. And if I'm able to toot my own horn, I'm not half bad at it either.  I was pretty steady into it for a few years, then came the typical excuses like "I don't have time, I work too much". Then had quite a comeback about a year ago and was quite steady with my practice and work; I loved it. I would go late nights to the studio, plug in some music and just work away. It not only helps with my stress levels, but it makes me feel like myself. Covered in clay, my favorite tunes in the background, my eyes completely focused on what's spinning on the wheel in front of me. I love it. 

That's why I'm so disappointed in myself. So disappointed that I didn't make a better effort to continue my practice when I was in South Africa. I had the opportunity to be around other artists in a different country and continue to refine my skills. And unfortunately since I've been back in the States, (honest to god) my work schedule is so all over the place that it's not ideal to have time to work at the studio. 

SO.....

As I get ready to head to Amsterdam, I'm going to hold myself to a promise. I promise that no matter the circumstances, I will continue my passion of pottery in m
y next journey. I'm packing my tools, my sketchbooks and my favorite throwing apron and I'm going to share my art with a little slice of Europe! I hope to only continue to learn and grow in this art, as I can really never get enough of it.

Clay.....you've hypnotized me. Mind, body and soul. 

A few facts about being a fat woman.

Lately I've been thinking quite a bit about being a fat woman in today's society. Not just fat, but my experiences specifically as a fat woman, most recently. 

Here are a few points:

1. No matter what you wear, no matter how covered up or how revealing you dress, there will always be both positive and negative comments and feelings towards you. Truthfully, a large majority of the comments are very positive. A majority of the negativity is just in how people look at me. My answer to this? If there is always going to be negativity no matter what, then wear whatever the fuck you want. Make yourself happy.

And just another point on top of that......this also holds true in regards to what you eat. No matter how healthy or unhealthy it is. Point being?  Eat whatever the fuck you want.

2. There's no 'right' way to be fat/body-positive. If you enjoy taking silly pictures that happen to enhance a 'fat attribute' take them. If you promote/support smaller sizes more than plus sizes, cool, do what you want. Obviously the objective is to be positive and kill some of this negativity. But the wonderful thing about having a brain, is that you can be however you'd like. Be however the fuck you want to be.

Yes, surprisingly this is an actual issue in the Body Positivity community. There are some women I have encountered that consider themselves to be....well, "leaders" of this community. They have taken it upon themselves to critique women in this community on things they shouldn't say, types of pictures they shouldn't take, etc. They've made very public examples out of women just being themselves. Here's the problem with that: this is the year 2014. This community that we are allowed to voluntarily be a part of, does not come with a specific set of rules. This community does not have a set of "leaders" that are in place to tell us how to be. And making an example of someone and publicly shaming them goes against everything that this whole movement is about. It's one thing to question the meaning behind some messages, but ladies, can't we all just get along? Let's stop being so damn critical of each other for cripe sakes. Let others be how they wish to fucking be.

3. Even though I've always been fairly confident in myself and with how I look, I still have my bad days. Bad days when I feel uncomfortable with myself when I've fluctuated in weight, I tend to feel generally uncomfortable and just very unsatisfied with how I look. Bad days when I feel self conscious about my current situation and what seems like a lack of direction in my career. But you know what, it's okay to have these bad days. It's okay to contemplate major life decisions and not know what the right answer is. But eventually you figure things out, whether it's the right time or not. Moral of the story? Go for it, whatever the fuck it is. Whatever makes you happy.

I've got much of the same pros and cons as anyone else. My life as a fat woman is much like the life as any other person. Sure there's a few other twists and turns here and there that may differ, but it's much like any other life. My life isn't about hating myself because of my size, it's not about food, it's not about not being able to find love (in case you haven't noticed, I've landed the best fella), it's not about my journey to losing weight, and so on and so forth. I'm a woman, that happens to be fat, I'm not a disease that needs to be cured. It's that fucking simple. 

Self love vs. Self objectification

I have a pretty terrible long term memory, but what I do remember from my childhood, was my family's largest emphasis on how we were as people. How we treated people. How we talked to people. How we could help people, because: How we were as humans was more important than how we looked as humans.

With that in mind, I had a few thoughts rolling around in the ol' noggin......

So as I was sitting here going through my Instagram and Tumblr feed, passing by all of these photographs of women's body parts, naked bodies, women posing in such a way to make themselves look thinner, sucking in their guts, others showing the world all their glory, women in lingerie, boob shots, butt shots, selfie's and duck faces. Sigh. So many photos. So many tags like #bodypositive, #selflove, #plussize, #effyouimpretty, and the list goes on. So many picture captions of women slandering other women, men, society, 'the man' and saying they're pretty regardless of what anyone thinks. Saying that their body size doesn't define their worth. Women stating that these nude and provocative photos are their "contributions to the movements". My thoughts? So much confusion.

Yes, I'm proud of what I look like, of who I am, I'm comfortable with myself, and genuinely do love myself with everything included. And yes, I've put myself out there before, I have no issue sharing......as why would I? But I've noticed a pattern forming with a lot of these feeds that appear to be promoting "self love". What is it? A little bit of self-objectification. Look, it's okay to be vain, it's okay to brag, it's okay to do whatever you want. But to stand on a platform of self love, while promoting feminism like it's a new thing, preaching about how hard it is to be plus-size AND a woman in today's world, all while promoting and posting sexually explicit photos/videos and state in them that it's for some kind of female movement. Am I the only one that has had a "Whaaaat?" moment with these? I mean honestly. Oh, but how is this objectification? We are using our bodies as a tool to sell an idea. Honey, real love doesn't need convincing.

Because 'self love' encompasses your whole being. Not just the outside.........which, in case we weren't all aware, our body is just a shell for what lies inside. So if you're seeking approval or attention or honestly think that you're going to learn how to love yourself by how many likes you get on your IG pic, I'm so sorry, but you'll be very disappointed.

And if part of the idea is to help make our culture more integrated with the others, not such outsiders in media, and help gain fair treatment as women, then why do we absolutely need to profess the label "plus size" every time? I'm also white, American, have a passion for pottery and would consider myself a feminist. But that's not necessary to mention in every conversation as not only is some of it obvious, but it's not pertinent information needed to exist as a human being.

So here's an idea: Why not take these pictures, explicit or not, for ourselves? Of course there's nothing wrong with sharing them, but there doesn't have to be a motive or expectation behind them. We don't need to sell the idea that we're "just as beautiful", "just as sexy" as anyone else. You are the only one that needs to believe it, the only one that needs to see it. And i'll be damned if I sell the idea to my nieces, my future children, or anyone else listening, that their appearance is leverage for acceptance, love and equality. Our contributions to the world, to these movements, should be in helping others realize the same...

....That just like any other love, it isn't just a surface thang. 

#InstaCouple

Yes, I am in love. Head over heels, happily spinning in circles, lost in the moments, love.               

FAQ: How did you guys meet?

The real story? The scoop on how we met? Well for the longest time I wanted to keep it quiet, not for any reason other than I’ve always been a private person and I’m not crazy about folks poking around in my personal business. Only a few folks knew the whole story.       

But the truth: About two years ago, he found me on Instagram. It just started very innocently with him liking my photos, and then gradually leaving comments, and then I noticed he was really paying attention to not just the photos, but the details within the photos. I was instantly hooked! I found him to be the most handsome man I’d ever seen and quite the sensitive soul, which I found completely refreshing. So we started having small little conversations between each other’s photos, sharing preferences, taste in music, films, etc. Basically things you’d discuss on the first couple dates. About eight months after these teeny communications, he got up the courage to ask me for my email address, asking if we could chat outside of Instagram…….I had a couple thoughts running through my mind: I thought, wow, how freaking adorable (right?!)……and the second thought: Finally!! ;)  As, if I’m being perfectly honest, many of the photos I’d shared after I noticed I’d gained his interest, were for him. All for him. I wanted to share certain things with him, let him see little details of my life;  and that was my only way of sharing at that time.

Then the emailing started – which quickly turned into scheduling Skype video chats. Honestly, it really didn’t take long to realize that he was the right one for me. I’m an incredibly skeptical and cautious person when it comes to my feelings already and there are few that I truly trust…….so I just knew. I’m still not entirely sure, but I did. He mailed me loving postcards every day, sent me flowers from time to time, tried to show me bigger parts of his life through our little video chats and just wanted to know everything about me. And I just wanted to know everything about him……as never before in my life had I been so taken, so charmed by another person.

FAQ: But what was your life like before you met?

Answer: My life before our beginning interactions? Honestly: I worked a lot, worked on my Bachelor’s degree part time, so I spent most of my time at home. I’ve always been a home-body, so I spent a lot of time reading, cooking, browsing movie/book stores for little finds, took jogs to the park, antique shopping, etc. Basically: a lot of shopping, coffee, movie watching and working. I never made a great attempt to date anyone, let alone look for anyone to date; there was never anyone that caught my eye. I lived a very basic, quiet and quaint life.

So fast forward about 4 months of video chatting every single day. Yes, there were only rare cases where we didn’t get to video chat daily, but we made it a point EVERY SINGLE DAY to make the effort to at least call one another. So after this constant contact, I realized…..Huh, I have some vacation time built up…I have some extra cash….and I think he really is the one for me. So: why the hell wouldn’t I plan a 3 week vacation to South Africa?!?

When I told him, holy moses…….I don’t think I’ve ever seen or heard someone so excited before in my life!!

Now keep in mind: I’d never been out of the country, let alone traveled by myself except a short business trip. But I was ready! I’d made up my mind and it didn’t matter to me whether “it seemed like a good idea” or not. 

FAQ: But weren't you worried that he wasn't who he said he was?

Answer: Yes and no. At some point after speaking with someone, you either have a gut feeling that they’re a decent person, or you don’t. It’s that simple. The reality is there is always a chance (no matter how long you’ve known a person or how well) that someone ends up not being what you expected. So I was taking the same chance that everyone else does in a “normal” relationship, the only difference is that it came with a larger than normal price tag.

So then came the day(s) of travel to see my love; flying all the way from Washington State to Johannesburg, South Africa. Cripes was it a long couple of days! I was the most nervous that I’d ever been in my life. In my head, I had such a clear idea of how everything was going to go….how I’d greet him, how we’d leave the airport hand in hand, all of that! Well, my nerves got the best of me. Just in walking to the greeting area, I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin, not knowing how he’d react, how he’d feel upon seeing me….

Of course, I’m greeted by the widest grin I’d ever seen in my life, the most handsome face and the biggest hug. Me, however? In that very instance, I had no idea how to react. I’d never gone out on such a limb for anyone that had caught my eye. I froze. Simple as that. I can’t imagine what he was thinking, as I felt so outside of myself, but it was a bit of a crippling feeling: finally being in the same room, the same space as a person that’s already shown you so much love. I couldn’t explain it!........But after the nerves had faded??  Bliss. Pure bliss. To finally find, know and understand love is one of the greatest things we’ll ever have the opportunity of experiencing.

So where does that leave us now? Well, I decided to stay in South Africa with him for about 6 months. We got to work together, live together, just be a normal couple. And it was absolutely wonderful. Then he came to the states with me, saw some American sights, but then (due to the obvious passport issue) he had to leave. But we decided to take a greater leap this time and send him to Amsterdam for him to pursue some work options, apply for his citizenship, then….? Well, who knows. We’re an unmarried couple, unsure of where our next ‘home’ country is and try to refine our life plan as every day passes. He’s busting his bum in Amsterdam and I’m doing the same in the States. And we just have to take one day at a time.

FAQ: When are you going to see each other again? Why don’t you guys just get married so you can live in the same country? Are you going to fly to see him or is he coming back to the States? 

Answer: Seriously, this marriage question gets a little old after a while.  Yes, this is a topic we’ve discussed……and our answer? Marriage isn’t something that we’d like to just ‘plan’. We’re romantics: it should happen when it’s meant to, in its most organic moment….not just for the sake of making our geographical dilemma easier. Sounds silly? Well, it just wouldn’t mean the same if it were for any other reason. And who knows who’s going to fly where first. We’ll just have to sit and wait until the best opportunity arises or until we see a clear sign of what should happen! It’s a painful, pain in the ass waiting game. And yes, we’re both very sick of it already.

FAQ: What’s the hardest part of an international/long distance relationship? 

Easy: Not getting to be with or around your partner. Not getting to really know what their day was like. Not being able to lend any real comfort or support when there’s a bad day. Not getting to be a freaking couple. Not getting to show or share your love with them on a normal level. Not getting to celebrate when good things happen. Not knowing what the future really holds for you two. And the absolute worst, kick in the chest, air from your lungs part? Not having any idea of when you get to see each other again. Weeks, months, who knows. It’s truly a killer.

But I can never stress this enough: It’s all worth every migraine, every tear, every emotional breakdown, every worry, every hour spent working, job searching, home searching, every penny spent, every work permit application, every night spent alone, every single moment. 

A day in the life of an international couple.

Where to begin…..

Remember that time in your life when you thought, “Hey, I’ve really got my shit together”….? Remember that?  That decent paying job with benefits, low bills, free time after work and on the weekends, you actually had extra spending money to splurge on yourself from time to time. Seemed like such a wonderful time, right?

Here’s the thing: my dad once told me “When you’re young and have no kids, no boyfriend, your work is the most important thing. You work late, show up early, and you’re happy to put in extra hours. But when you realize your worth and find that one other thing that means more to you, that’s when it’s time to move on.”

That’s the exact moment I knew I wasn’t doing it right. I was generally unhappy and filling the many voids with ‘things’, going out late, etc.  That’s when I ran for that “one other thing”. It just happened to be all the way over in Africa.

10 months later….

Now the huge transition stage of our lives: I’m in the states, working for less money, he’s just arrived in Amsterdam and is tackling down work, we have to figure out how to support two different lifestyles in two different countries at the same time and what the hell the next move is. Do I follow him to Amsterdam? Does he come back to the states? Well that really depends on who lands a stable job first.  You see, part of the very obvious problem is funds. Funds and deciding where to call our next home. Considering he works in the TV/Film industry, I’ll follow him wherever the opportunities lie. But then on the other hand, we also need immediate financial stability. So to be perfectly honest, I have no flippin’ clue on what to do next.

So what is my time spent on?  If I’m not working, I’m searching for jobs. If I’m not searching for jobs, I’m updating resumes and cover letters and applying for jobs. And for the few extra minutes I’m spared every day, I’m desperately trying to sneak in just the smallest window of a phone or video chat with my guy.  Every single day – I search high and low for jobs in Amsterdam, Seattle, California, the UK and everywhere else in between! For the both of us.  But I suppose it’s all just a waiting game. We just have to wait and see what will come of all of these efforts…..we’ve already received some positive news here and there, but nothing to completely resolve our dilemma.

Sometimes, it really does suck being in this situation, being from different countries.  Just to know that you have no idea what’s going to happen next, no idea where you’re going to land, or the most heartbreaking – you have no idea when you’re going to see each other next. It’s so incredibly terrible, and you’re constantly reminded throughout the day of what a pickle you’re in……and I wouldn’t wish this heartache on anyone. BUT (and this is a big but)….I know that I’ve found my heart. My one and only. My partner for the rest of my journey. My guy.

And that………..well that just makes every second of heartache and struggle completely worth it.

But that unfortunately does not pay the bills, nor does it get him back to the states, so back to the drawing board of how to somehow make that happen. Sometimes it only takes a few things to make it feel like the weight of the world's on your shoulders. But there's always a way.