A day in the life of an international couple.

Where to begin…..

Remember that time in your life when you thought, “Hey, I’ve really got my shit together”….? Remember that?  That decent paying job with benefits, low bills, free time after work and on the weekends, you actually had extra spending money to splurge on yourself from time to time. Seemed like such a wonderful time, right?

Here’s the thing: my dad once told me “When you’re young and have no kids, no boyfriend, your work is the most important thing. You work late, show up early, and you’re happy to put in extra hours. But when you realize your worth and find that one other thing that means more to you, that’s when it’s time to move on.”

That’s the exact moment I knew I wasn’t doing it right. I was generally unhappy and filling the many voids with ‘things’, going out late, etc.  That’s when I ran for that “one other thing”. It just happened to be all the way over in Africa.

10 months later….

Now the huge transition stage of our lives: I’m in the states, working for less money, he’s just arrived in Amsterdam and is tackling down work, we have to figure out how to support two different lifestyles in two different countries at the same time and what the hell the next move is. Do I follow him to Amsterdam? Does he come back to the states? Well that really depends on who lands a stable job first.  You see, part of the very obvious problem is funds. Funds and deciding where to call our next home. Considering he works in the TV/Film industry, I’ll follow him wherever the opportunities lie. But then on the other hand, we also need immediate financial stability. So to be perfectly honest, I have no flippin’ clue on what to do next.

So what is my time spent on?  If I’m not working, I’m searching for jobs. If I’m not searching for jobs, I’m updating resumes and cover letters and applying for jobs. And for the few extra minutes I’m spared every day, I’m desperately trying to sneak in just the smallest window of a phone or video chat with my guy.  Every single day – I search high and low for jobs in Amsterdam, Seattle, California, the UK and everywhere else in between! For the both of us.  But I suppose it’s all just a waiting game. We just have to wait and see what will come of all of these efforts…..we’ve already received some positive news here and there, but nothing to completely resolve our dilemma.

Sometimes, it really does suck being in this situation, being from different countries.  Just to know that you have no idea what’s going to happen next, no idea where you’re going to land, or the most heartbreaking – you have no idea when you’re going to see each other next. It’s so incredibly terrible, and you’re constantly reminded throughout the day of what a pickle you’re in……and I wouldn’t wish this heartache on anyone. BUT (and this is a big but)….I know that I’ve found my heart. My one and only. My partner for the rest of my journey. My guy.

And that………..well that just makes every second of heartache and struggle completely worth it.

But that unfortunately does not pay the bills, nor does it get him back to the states, so back to the drawing board of how to somehow make that happen. Sometimes it only takes a few things to make it feel like the weight of the world's on your shoulders. But there's always a way.

Just stop.

For some reason, it is the natural tendency of humans to relay their disapproval to someone that is leading a life that they don’t agree with. Whether it be for their physical appearance (body size, haircut, body modifications, style, etc), general attitude, sexual orientation, a new relationship, parenting skills, career choice, or anything else under the sun.  And sometimes, no matter how hard one can try to please these people, it’s just never enough.  The reality is that EVERYONE seeks approval from others in many different ways. Everyone wants to feel successful or worthy from those they surround themselves with, so blatant disapproval or discouragement from our close circle can be like that one Jenga block that makes the whole tower come crashing down.

So why do people put others down?

Well this can happen for many reasons. Whether they disagree with one’s lifestyle choices because it doesn’t align with theirs, or they believe you’re making “a huge mistake” and are trying to help you avoid it, or it’s something they’ve hoped to do or achieve, so they try to stop you for pure jealous reasons, or they’re just an intruding asshole that doesn’t know their limits, it doesn’t matter……..the bottom line? What others think of you doesn’t matter. As long as you’re happy and satisfied with your choices and they don’t harm others, then nothing else matters. Now I get that the part about “not harming others” can be understood in many different ways, so let’s break it down:

Sometimes when you make certain decisions, others claim “This hurts that you would do this to me” or “Your decisions affect me” or “Why would you do that, you know that hurts” or “I thought you were different” and on and on and on. Can this be true? Yes, absolutely. But how someone else interprets your actions and allows your actions to make them feel, is completely up to them. Not you. Yes! That is correct : You can control and learn to change how others’ actions affect you and make you feel.  “BUT HOW” you say? Think about it: Does this action directly affect you? Is this person honestly doing this to hurt your feelings? And the most important: Why do you actually feel so hurt by this?  When you begin to answer these questions honestly, then you’ll begin to understand how to control these feelings and possibly (hopefully) even learn to accept these “HEARTBREAKING, CRAZY, RADICAL, IRRESPONSIBLE” decisions other people make.

OR

In the simplest, most basic, blatant terms:  Yank your nose out of other folks’ business.  It’s truly that easy.  If it bugs you, quit digging for more information.  If your ex-love being with someone else bothers you, then quit following their entire being and move on with yours.  If someone’s appearance disagrees with your values, then quit looking! Really folks, I promise, it’s that simple.

Because we all deserve to be happy, we deserve to be free, we deserve to express ourselves in any way we see fit.  We deserve to lead the lives we desire.  We all struggle, we all judge and we all do things we’re not proud of.  But why would we want to deter someone else from what could be their happiness just because we don't agree?

Don’t crush another person’s happiness just because you haven't found yours. You’ll find it. Because you’re it.

Insecurities Part 2: Moving on.

So how do you move forward after feeling crushed, insecure, or hurt? To be perfectly honest, I’m not even entirely sure. All I know is that you have to take one day at a time. You’re not going to fix yourself in a day, as it took much longer than a day for you to learn how to properly love yourself, so it’s going to take a bit longer to feel that self-love and reassurance for yourself. You have to figure out how you feel and why you feel that way and you certainly don’t owe anyone any explanations about your feelings.

 “Insecurities have the ability to shape and mold our minds to live with everything that’s bad; like crying on the inside, while smiling on the outside…thus creating pain…but, alas, I have the answer; forget about what you thought and embrace what you feel”.

 Embrace what you feel.  Why? Because every feeling will all help in determining how you move forward. Even the negative.  Just remember: You are able to control every situation, not always your feelings, but you are able to control how something makes you feel……I’m not in any stretch saying that it’s easy, but it is possible. However, allow yourself the time to feel through those emotions, and then move on. No matter how disgusting one’s comment to you was, no matter how hurtful one’s actions were to you, it’s never worth so much of your positive energy to worry yourself away. 

 Remember a few things: Stop comparing yourself to others because it undermines your worth, education and your parent’s wisdom. Live your dreams, not because of what it will prove or get you, but because that is all you want to do. People’s opinions don’t matter. Realize that no one is your enemy, except yourself. You can have everything you want in life; however, it takes timing, the right heart, the right actions, the right passion and a willingness to risk everything. If it is not yours, it is because you really didn’t want it, or need it. Believe that love is not about losing or winning. Happiness is never about ‘getting’ a person. And lastly, you are the one that determines your happiness, your worth, your public perception of yourself and everything else in-between.

You are beautiful. Wonderful. Enigmatic. Unique. And always deserving of feeling as such.

Insecurities Part 1.

Let’s talk about:  Insecurities

 Yes, those nasty little insecurities that we all have. Whether they come from the past or the present, we all have them. From being told we were “too chubby” to wear a two piece swimsuit when we were kids, to realizing you were picked for the sports teams because you were the big girl and others thought you’d be able to protect them, being lied to, a stranger yelling out an insult for no reason, to being rejected by a boyfriend, girlfriend, love interest, etc……Whatever the case: we’ve all got ‘em!

 Sometimes these are made worse depending on the personality we have: Are you a self-loather? A self-destructive type? One that depends on the opinions of others? Or are you the type that hides deep emotions under layers of confidence? Whatever type you are (and I know there are many others), one thing remains the same: a simple comment, a little white lie, a truth told, emotion expressed (or not expressed) can bring down that shield of confidence that you’ve spent so much time and effort in building up, in just one swoop. That easily. In just a few seconds, you went from feeling the most confident that you have, to feeling the most insecure that you ever have in your life.

 And what a terrible feeling.

 And from what? From a negative comment someone posted on your Instagram picture? From someone hollering out “fat-ass” to you at the grocery store? Or from your boyfriend/girlfriend not noticing the extra time you took just to look a little extra special for them? Or are they insecurities that come from people from their past? You know the types – the ex-girlfriend, the forever negative best friend or the over-bearing relative that just won’t seem to leave them alone. Or one of my own personal favorites: A stranger in a store telling you (Yes, this really happened to me) that “you’re already so undesirable with being overweight, why add to it with tattoos?” Any of these? All of these? Or some variation?

 For some, it’s quite rare that more than one of these will happen. But for others, especially those that put themselves or get thrust into the public eye, any of these can be daily occurrences. So first you have to realize (and trust me I know, easier said than done): None of these listed negativities have any direct relation to you. Hear that?? They stem from others’ insecurities. It has very little, to nothing to do with you. Let that sink in for a second…….because the truth is: people say horrible things to others just to make themselves feel better and your significant other may have not noticed your spicy new outfit because of some issues he or she is dealing with and just hasn’t expressed it to you, and that intruding relative/ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever-the-hell-else, just keeps coming back because they’re either insecure about the situation in the present or they’re deliberately trying to interfere and they are clearly just overstepping boundaries. Well, whichever situation you’re in, just know that anything that causes you pain, is not okay – so be clear, let your opinion be known, express what you’re feeling, because otherwise, how will anyone know? Now if it’s a stranger, then just ignore it, because you shouldn’t value opinions from those that you don’t care about.  Just know that if you’re doing your best, then any of these things happening, are not your fault. Steer clear from the thoughts of “Was I really looking inappropriate for that lady to say something?” “Is it my fault that he or she feels the need to intrude?” “Am I really too fat to be wearing this?”

Just toss all of those thoughts right outside of your brain.